Throughout this letter I’m going to use something called sarcasm. Unfamiliar? Read this. Many people hate Kristen Stewart because they are sadface that she is (apparently) with Robert Pattinson. I am one of them. I cannot judge Kristen Stewart fairly without thinking of her with Robert Pattinson. She does a commercial for cat litter and surrounds herself with 18 little white kittens? I hate it because all I can think about is how she gets to do Rob Pattinson after she gets to play with all those adorable kittens. In Adventureland she does a sex scene with a douche-bag married to a Woody Allen darling? She is an automatic awful fake movie sexer because she’s having the real sex with Rob Pattinson. Remember, Read this if you have any questions.
Dear Twilosophy Debate Class 101,
Today we’re going to have a healthy debate. Any questions?
Why are you opening THIS can of worms when we have had peace on LTT for awhile and Robsteners/Nonsteners/Swiftners/Non-Swiftnerers (Wait a second- WHO could be a Non-Swiftnerer? Seriously? Have you seen these two? So freakin’ adorable) have been getting along?
Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and when I think of stuff I like to share it with the LTT community. Also KStew411 tweeted this amazing video and I really needed a reason to post it
The beginning
Kristen and I had a rocky beginning. First of all she kissed Adam Brody in In the Land of Women, and that’s when I knew I would hate her for eternity. Plus that movie sucked and that pains me to say because I heart Adam Brody something fierce. I remember being very underwhelmed by all the performances in that movie, not just Kristen’s. I’ll have to break it out again to decide for sure what I think of her specifically, but I’d rather die than do that. So let’s just leave it at that.
Bitch! Seriously, I'll facepunch you so hard....
And then came Twilight. I walked away consumed with the desire to FACE PUNCH her except I didn’t know it was that desire since FACE PUNCH doesn’t get referenced until New Moon. “SHE gets to DO Rob Pattinson!?” I thought. (Except I didn’t think that since I didn’t think they were DOING it then since I was underwhelmed by their on-screen chemistry and knew nothing of the off screen rumors.) I was confused. I thought her casting was SPOT ON for the character of Bella. But her portrayal of Bella….? Well, it took me awhile to put it into words, but let’s just leave it at- I wasn’t so crazy about it. (Refer to the above video for many of the reasons why)
New Moon
I feared a Twilight repeat. I did. So much of that movie hinged on Kristen’s ability to make us believe in her pain. I came away from that midnight showing really happy with what I saw! I believed her! I felt her loss. I even shed a tear or two even though I knew that Edward would eventually come back and then they’d have some awesome make-out scenes complete with an EPIC Leg Hitch (Don’t do it and DIE, David Slade) and would eventually skinny-dip in the ocean after which they’d do it in probably the most talked about fade-to-black scene ever written, finally resulting in the birth of a half-human, half-vampire genius-child who would be imprinted upon by a werewolf. I cried even though I knew that would happen. (Actually, that’s probably why I cried. Couldn’t he just STAY and give her amazing birthday sex?) Also I didn’t cry until Lykke Li’s “Possibility” came on because I feel emotions through music. Plus, Kristen had my FAVORITE line in all of New Moon. Listen for it here in this clip, courtesy of Brookelockart’s pirated copy of the movie:
Click for awesomeness
So… why the sudden change of heart towards Kristen? Were my expectations SO low for the movie that surpassing them wasn’t that hard to do (That’s actually possible) Did she REALLY step it up a notch this movie? Was Chris Weitz a better director for her? Clearly I just forgot that she was banging Rob with his absence. Instead I thought about flowers, kittens and Swiftner. Or maybe Stewner- yes… that’s right! While watching the movie I invented, in my mind, a real relationship between Kristen & Taylor. She makes him homemade protein shakes while he improves his pectoral muscles. It’s a beautiful relationship. And an obvious one. How else would she know that Taylor carries around little baggies of meat patties? You know, I bet Kristen even bags Tay’s meat patties for him in NAME-BRAND baggies. She loves him that much. Best of all Rob is single & Taylor Swift writes an amazing break-up song that brings me to tears until the end when a wolf is mauled to death by a bear (because afterall, Kristen let us in on a little secret- “They’re Not Bears“)
I heart blonde Kristen
My 4th Time
Something was different after my 4th viewing. Maybe it was because it was the first time EVER I didn’t polish off a entire popcorn by myself. I was too stuffed from dinner. And I’m never too stuffed for popcorn. All I know is that I came home after my 4th viewing of New Moon and drafted a letter for LTT that has the following brilliantly penned sentence:
kristen’s acting is starting to bother me
Before you run your mouth and tell me it’s probably because that was the night Taylor was on SNL and blew that kiss to Taylor Swift that had me all worried about the state of Stewner’s relationship…. well, you’re right.. it was that night, but that’s not the reason I started that post. There was just something that struck me on my 4th viewing that I didn’t realize on viewings 1-3. I think the newness of the movie is finally wearing off and I’m seeing things with normal person (aka non-Twilight-crazy person) eyes for the first time. I don’t think Bella would get all boo-hooey, weepy… and I don’t think Kristen should have. I think her staring blankly off into the distance… at nothing… was spot-on. I think it’s when Edward is telling her he’s leaving her that I have an issue. Her face is literally… expressionless. There is just a minute change, even when she realizes fully what he is telling her. I think the depth of that realization is lost and nowhere to be found in her expression….. I think Chris Weitz should’ve pulled her aside and said, “Kristen? I know last night you packed 300 baggies of meat patties for Taylor. What if after all your hard work and dedication to the beautifulness of your relationship, he left you? What if he left because instead of using Ziplock baggies you chose Glad baggies because you had a coupon? Think about that during this scene.” I think it could’ve made all the difference….
I'm gonna facepunch the big giant panda
Adventureland.
You know what’s awesome about Blockbuster closing 960 stores in the US? I get to by lots of movies for under $5.00. I bought Adventureland this weekend and watched it while I wrapped presents. It was….okay. A nice little coming of age story. Had some funny parts. Not the first time that’s been done.. and it won’t be the last. My favorite coming of age movie is still Gardenstate. Yes, after all these years. Zach Braff like, made, The Shins.
Kristen was….. the same character she always is! I discussed it with my husband, who has seen more of her movies than I have and likes her better than I do because he doesn’t care that she is banging Rob, obviously, said to me, “So what if she’s playing the same character? It’s what her character NEEDS. She doesn’t need to be any different than that. No one faults Owen Wilson or Will Ferrell for playing the same characters over and over again. It’s what they do.” He’s probably right. I remember once someone said, “I f*cking hate Kristen Stewart. She’s like the female Michael Cera” which cracked me up. Obviously her argument was that Michael Cera plays the same guy every time. I think it’s a valid argument…. Kristen has played characters that mostly (not always) require her to act one way…. I think seeing her in The Runaways will be very telling. Stay tuned for part 2 of the debate!
Currently “Into the Wild” is staring at me from on top of the DVD stack. I haven’t watched it yet. I have no idea why. Is it a movie about Bears? Or….say it Kristen
In conclusion
In conclusion….. I don’t have one. That wasn’t the point of this letter. That’s where the “healthy debate” comes in. I laid out some options- hate Kristen because she kisses the boys we all want to kiss, love her because Stewner has beautifulness, hate her performance in Twilight, love her performance in New Moon then take it back 4 views later, talk about if They Are or ARE NOT bears in Into the Wild, Speculate about Kristen and Michael Cera being the new hot Hollywood couple? Whatever…. the options are endless…… I will end with this: Kristen DID kick it up a notch for New Moon. Seriously. I don’t know if there was a blinking or stuttering that seemed out of place even ONCE. However…….. Brookelockart, my provider of black-market New Moon clips from her pirated copy, did remind me that the movie DOES end on famous Kristen Stewart heavy breathing. Don’t believe me?
Click for awesomeness
Told ya.
Stewner Lives,
UnintendedChoice
Ready, Set….DEBATE!
Rules of the Debate: Keep your TammyO-isms at home. If you, like me, only judge Kristen as someone who is banging Rob when you are not, make sure you let people know so that TammyO and her lynch mob can discount everything you say.
We’re E-bffs with some major KStew lovers. Here are two of the biggest and who have the LTT stamp of approval: @CalliopeBlabs @KStew411. But seriously, they’ll FACEPUNCH you if you’re mean to the Stew. Seriously. Once KStew411 “shunned” Moon & I’m pretty sure Calliope spit in my pizza last time we had lunch and she thought I wasn’t looking. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous (and our Kung Fu is STILL strong): The Forum, LTR, Twitter
